Derpy Dumb and Dumber - Chris Fielden 31.05.13

Google: the brand name might sound familiar. For anyone who has spent the last decade shipwrecked or in a coma, Google is an innovative internet search tool that enables the populace of the planet easy access to documentation on all conceivable subject matters.

Google is the Aston Martin DB5 of search engines. It should be cherished, respected and driven carefully. Sadly, Google is a DB5 that’s owned by everyone on Earth. Everyone gets to drive it. As fast as they like. For free.

When certain individuals (AKA most people) don’t have to deal with the insurance claim resulting from driving a DB5 a tad too quickly into a tight bend, certain individuals might be tempted to exceed the speed limit, just to see what will happen.

This is the mentality I’ve chosen to study with the Exterminate blog series. Continue Reading

Penguin 2.0 Release - Holly Hayman - 23.05.13

Matt Cutts – Google spokesman and generally helpful chap – has released a statement on his personal blog about a new release of Penguin: Google’s link-busting algorithm update.

 

Penguin 2.0 is set to effect around 2.3% of US English language queries, with differences according to language.

 

We’re keeping our eyes on the organic traffic for all of our clients, but it looks like this has had much less of an impact than the first Penguin algorithm release. The future of great content, copy and ‘earning’ links rather than generating them has seen many sites protected from this update. Continue Reading

Google Human Fail - Banana As a Weapn - Chris Fielden 26.04.13

I have conducted 3 experiments to date, investigating the marvellous (and often frightening) world of people’s search engine habits. They often result in amusing (scary) Google fails. You can see them here:

I thought my work was done. I’d proved that the Daleks were right in trying to exterminate humanity. Surely things couldn’t get any worse…

I was wrong. Extremely wrong. It’s not just the Daleks we should be worried about. If there are any intelligent lifeforms out there and they find us and study our use of technology – particularly the internet – they will all come to the same conclusion, no matter what the temperament their species might have: humans should not be allowed to survive. Continue Reading

Google Yourself - Seashell - Holly Hayman - 12.04.13

The internet really is the biggest diary in the world.

Almost everything you’ve ever created – whether that’s a status update, a comment, a witty tweet, a snarky message, a funny picture or a superbly well written and researched blog post – could be saved indefinitely worldwide.

But is this global scrapbook really the way to go? Or should people have the right to forget and move on? Continue Reading

April Fools!!! - Chris Fielden - 1.4.13

It was all a joke. IoII didn’t turn the internet off today for four hours so that they could install a new bank of Quadruplex iPillio Dualclops e671 Cumulonimbus Servers. We got you good and proper.

Now, with your face beginning to turn crimson with embarrassment, you need to start thinking about what you are going to tell your family after you spent all day yesterday convincing them to forsake Facebook, chocolate and the obligatory showing of Citizen Kane for a cold 24 hours in the bunker.

But at least you can be safe in the knowledge that you are not the only person that has been caught out today. Continue Reading

No Internet - Chris Fielden - 30.03.13

On bank holiday Monday, April the 1st 2013, IoII (the Institute of Internet Innovation, a recently formed governing body responsible for internet security) plan to undertake a major update of their servers. The installation – a huge bank of Quadruplex iPillion Dualclops e671 Cumulonimbus Servers – is expected to bring unprecedented technological advances in data security and search functionality. Continue Reading

Oleg Og 3 - Chris Fielden - 27.03.13

Here follows the final part of the tale of Oleg Og. But what strange twists might occur at the end? And how might I weave fudge into the story?

“Why would this idiot want to weave fudge into the plot?” I hear you cry.

Well, rather stupidly, I set myself this ridiculous task as a challenge while writing Part 2. Actually, if you want to make sense of anything that follows, you will need to read the preceding instalments:

And so, here’s the finale to the Oleg Og trilogy… Continue Reading

Crazy Mural - Google Searches - Chris Fielden 29.11.12

Following on from the disturbing search-engine-usage investigation that was Exterminate! Part 1, I present further proof that mankind is doomed. Sadly, this is no exaggeration – my Doom SirenTM is not stuck on max. This is a statement of fact.

While performing my research, I found the the funny Google searches people perform on a regular basis amusing at first glance. They made me chuckle, giggle, laugh and, on occasion, tested my bladder control.

But hindsight has made me weep with hopelessness. The people who make these searches are human. They breathe the same air as you and I. They belong to our species. Not only that, they make up the majority of our population.

“No,” you cry, “no, that’s not possible.”

It is, ladies and gents, it most certainly is. If they didn’t  the searches below would not be presented by Google for everyone to see. Google tries to be useful. It shows us the things people search for THE MOST. Continue Reading

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