Derpy Dumb and Dumber - Chris Fielden 31.05.13

Google: the brand name might sound familiar. For anyone who has spent the last decade shipwrecked or in a coma, Google is an innovative internet search tool that enables the populace of the planet easy access to documentation on all conceivable subject matters.

Google is the Aston Martin DB5 of search engines. It should be cherished, respected and driven carefully. Sadly, Google is a DB5 that’s owned by everyone on Earth. Everyone gets to drive it. As fast as they like. For free.

When certain individuals (AKA most people) don’t have to deal with the insurance claim resulting from driving a DB5 a tad too quickly into a tight bend, certain individuals might be tempted to exceed the speed limit, just to see what will happen.

This is the mentality I’ve chosen to study with the Exterminate blog series.

The History of the Exterminate Investigations to Date

My interest in the strange suggestions search engines will return when they attempt to predict what you might be searching for started when I was presented with these Google search queries:

orangutan_prostitute

Allow your eyes to digest the fourth result.

Sweet Jesus.

The situation becomes worse when we remind ourselves that these predictions are based on the most popular search queries related to the words you are typing; the search results other people have searched for the most.

The Orangutan Prostitute query was impossible to ignore. It’s why I felt compelled to start my Exterminate investigations. While this particular query turned out to be people searching for a spoof video, I discovered many other disturbing search habits that were not spoofs. You can study the history of my research to date in 4 previous posts:

  1. Exterminate 1
  2. Exterminate 2
  3. Exterminate 3
  4. Exterminate 4

Like Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard, I didn’t think Exterminate 5 would be necessary. Unlike, Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard, it turns out I was wrong.

The Questions Humans Expect Google to Answer

Exterminate 4 looked at statements people place into Google. Statements like:

I_am_extremely_A

Like an aging rock band, Exterminate 5 returns to its roots. It looks at questions. Questions people ask of Google when researching things that interest them. Things that impact their lives. I have picked two questions in this instance:

  1. Why am I…?
  2. Why do I…?

I have then followed those questions with each letter of the alphabet. Below are the results I was presented with.

Why am I?

why_am_i_a why_am_i_b why_am_i_c why_am_i_d why_am_i_e why_am_i_f why_am_i_g why_am_i_h why_am_i_i why_am_i_j why_am_i_k why_am_i_l why_am_i_m why_am_i_n why_am_i_o why_am_i_p why_am_i_q why_am_i_r why_am_i_s why_am_i_t why_am_i_u why_am_i_v why_am_i_w why_am_i_x why_am_i_y why_am_i_z

Why do I?

why_do_i_a why_do_i_b why_do_i_c why_do_i_d why_do_i_e why_do_i_f why_do_i_g why_do_i_h why_do_i_i why_do_i_j why_do_i_k why_do_i_l why_do_i_m why_do_i_n why_do_i_o why_do_i_p why_do_i_q why_do_i_r why_do_i_s why_do_i_t why_do_i_u why_do_i_v why_do_i_w why_do_i_x why_do_i_y why_do_i_z

Summary

It’s not often I find myself lost for words. What is there to say? One word springs to mind:

EXTERMINATE!

Image Source: Tom Margie on Flickr

Exterminate 5 – Google Search Queries that Prove Mankind is Beyond Salvation by