No Internet - Chris Fielden - 30.03.13

On bank holiday Monday, April the 1st 2013, IoII (the Institute of Internet Innovation, a recently formed governing body responsible for internet security) plan to undertake a major update of their servers. The installation – a huge bank of Quadruplex iPillion Dualclops e671 Cumulonimbus Servers – is expected to bring unprecedented technological advances in data security and search functionality.

Unfortunately, installing them is a logistical horror story which will cause a previously unseen amount of global internet downtime. Imagine that scene in Jaws where the head pops out of the bottom of the boat. It’s worse than that.

This means that at 8am GMT next Monday, the internet will be turned off for up to 4 hours. Normal service is expected to resume no later than noon on the same day.

Why do this at Easter?

A website has been set up, ready for IoII to turn off the internet. At the moment it pretends to work. On Monday it will work for real.

Historically, the Easter weekend has seen a lack of internet activity due to people being busy praying and eating chocolate. In fact, last year saw the lowest ever recorded amount of online activity ever – less than 1,000,000 searches were conducted looking for pictures of famous people with little or no clothes on.

IoII spokesman, Justin Hale, said, “We originally considered undertaking the upgrade at Christmas, but there was uproar from online retailers as they were worried that the updates and downtime might have a negative impact on Boxing Day sales revenue, so we had to rethink our strategy. Easter, especially the bank holiday Monday, is notoriously quiet in internet terms. We decided an internet closure at this time would cause the least amount of disruption globally.”

Due to the complexity of the installation, IoII have asked permission from governments across the globe to block all access to the internet, just like Syria and the FBI did last year.

A website has been set up, ready for IoII to turn off the internet. At the moment it pretends to work. On Monday it will work for real.

The IoII Bug

Worriers are concerned that the upgrade will cause many on-going internet problems due to bugs in the new hardware and software. They are referring to the collective mass of potential problems as the IoII Bug. It’s a bit like the hype caused by the Millennium Bug, but less likely to disrupt air travel.

Conspiracy theorists are already suggesting that this is a government-IoII plot to implement more spyware technology into search engines and the internet so they can closely monitor what people do online.

Normal people are suggesting that turning off the internet might result in a boost to TV audiences, more socialising and riots.

What do I need to do?

Nothing. In the UK, you just won’t be able to use the internet on Monday morning. In the US most people will be asleep. Ditto Australia. The overall feeling at Strategy Towers is that many people are overreacting.

Executive Chairman, John Courtney, said, “The internet will be running like normal by noon on Monday and by tea time everyone will have forgotten that anything happened.”

If you still have concerns and would like to talk to an industry expert who takes things very seriously indeed, please get in touch.

Image Source: IDOMMDAD on Flickr

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