Which Google Update Would Win a Cage Fight?
By Doctor Chris Fielden with assistance from Professor Pete Wailes
The Google update that scared more men than a swarm of gargantuan hornets with man-murder on their teeny tiny insect minds.
Fright Factor: 8
It should have been called the Rabid Grizzly Bear update. That would have worked better. It would also suit the amount of fear it inspired in people worldly enough to know better. At the time this bad boy went out, everyone seemed to think that no one would rank for anything anymore, except Wikipedia.
It came in like a whispering Spitfire. Those who needed to be scared of it were those who scraped content, those who couldn’t be arsed to amend their manufacturer descriptions and those who undertook a myriad of black hat methods. In short, those who deserved to be struck from the SERPs.
Google updates aren’t that awesome. Sorry.
Special Power: What’s the Good Word?
OK. So far I’ve being unkind to Google. The Rabid Grizzly Bear update (still prefer that to Panda) was meant to do some good things. What it did was encourage:
- good content
- awesome content
- content people want to read
- content people want to share
- content people are interested in
- content that is useful
All Google were trying to do was make the SERPs a better place for us to hang out. And a place they could sell more advertising. Sorry. I can’t help it. I’m 40 now and scepticism is a joyous part of the aging process.
A Google update that failed to scare even those of an extremely nervous nature – the kind of people who worry about heavy rain, if they have clean pants on and how many calories are in a carrot. But this was born of Panda apathy. It should have scared everyone. Even Chuck Norris. It’s evil.
Fright Factor: 10
Google are not good at naming things. I want them to give me a job thinking up names. Names I can do. They want to scare spammy poor content creating quick win lazy boys? I’m their man.
Penguin. It’s a biscuit. It’s a kid’s toy. It’s a cute cuddly thing that David Attenborough talks about lovingly. It’s a Batman baddy that the joker would eat alive. Jack Nicholson vs Danny Devito. Who’d win? Jack. I rest my case.
When Danny talks, Jack makes this face
This update should have been called the Rhino update. Rhinos are not cuddly. Rhinos have horns. If there were a Batman baddy called Rhino, the Joker would run screaming. Rhinos mean business. They are something to be scared of. The name befits this algorithm update.
This update struck with the force of a sperm whale dropped from space (unlike the proverbial bowl of petunias that was Panda). Think of it this way – it’s like you’re being chased by Monsieur Panda, and you have to sacrifice your best mate to keep him off your fat, lazy, couch-loving arse. OK, so you’re still alive, but your best mate (known as Mr Website) is going to get seriously mauled.
Blogs full of comments about how cheap Viagra is and how big certain body parts could become merely by taking some vitamin tablets were hit badly. Not surprising. If you run a blog, moderate it and fill it with awesome content. Hmm, ring any bells? It’s Rabid Grizzly’s twin on steroids!
It could have been great, the Tutankhamun of algorithm updates, if it hadn’t created such carnage by hitting so many sites that it shouldn’t have. Every time Google updates Penguin, a baby seal gets clubbed.
Special Power: Blog Killer
You thought Roundup was a good weed killer? You thought a harpoon was a hippies most hated weapon? You’d be right. Hmm. Lost my thread there a bit. Sorry. I don’t do editing…
Anyway, Rhino (I cannot for the life of me understand the name Penguin, not on any level…) destroyed rubbish blogs. It also destroyed everything else. It attacked with the same emotion as hurricane Katrina. It was chaos. It was remorseless. Good old Google. We love them.
So, who’d win the cage fight?
Obvious. Penguin. He’s got a gun. And he’s mental. All the Panda has are paws. And that’s going to work about as well as a knife in a gunfight:
There’s no need to be scared. There’s no need to panic. Write good content. Make it useful. Make it awesome. Keep all that in mind, and even a razor toothed penguin with rocket launchers for flippers won’t scare you.
And, because I know you want to know… Grizzly or Rhino – who’d win? Now there’s a question. A question for another day. Use these names, Google. Then we can find out.