There comes a time in every Newsletter Editor’s tenure when they lose the plot entirely. They bathe in ale, eat Poundshop rice pots for lunch and come to work in a snorkel. Apart from poisoning colleagues with a deadly combination of stout and chemically infused ‘Sweet & Sour Chicken’, it appears they also direct irrational hatred towards their stories.
So read on for mentally unstable attacks on Google personnel, Microsoft and drivers in the UK. I think there’s some news in there too. Somewhere…
Unnatural Link sufferers get help – eventually
It can often seem like Google go out of their way to be as unhelpful as possible, whilst always fighting to maintain the impression that they would jump in front of traffic for you. The latest example comes directly from everyone’s favourite cube-headed SEO poster boy, Matt Cutts.
Since their introduction of link warnings a year ago, Google have done everything but tell you what links to remove. Sometimes it can be blindingly obvious – like when BigBeautifulWhalesWhoDon’tNeedNoManatee.com – my online dating site for sea mammals – received odd links from the WWF, I at least knew where to start. But some can be so elusive that these warnings and penalties have left many site owners confused and frustrated.
Now, Cutts is theatrically bending over to help you, the poor confused webmaster, by sending you examples of unnatural links within the warning to give you a bit of a hint.
Amazing help from a search engine giant less likely to save you from being hit by a car and more likely to push you in front of it. But only after they’ve stolen your Kinder Egg.
Google Still Most Popular Search Engine
Bing have tried everything to capture some of Google’s visitor traffic – from the ‘Bing It On’ split test to offering rewards for searches – in a series of attempts that have scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard their next scheme is likely to be 90% fingernail.
And it seems like it was all to no avail.
Recent figures released by comScore and passed around online media outlets show Bing are not only losing out to their main rivals in search volume, but also to country specific engines like Baidu (China) and Yandex (Russia).
Be sure to look out on your local high streets over the next few months and you might just see bored sixteen year olds holding plastic signs reading “Google Sucks. Bing Is Better” instead of “500 Yards To Subway”.
Connected Cars: The Next Smart Phones
If you’ve ever been stuck in a traffic jam and had the overwhelming urge to check on your Fantasy Mahjong team you might, like me, instinctively reach for your phone. But what if your car could offer you the same online connectivity?
A report by the BBC suggests that having internet as a feature in your car is selling more for Ford than anything else. They go on to say that this will be one of the fastest growing technologies after smart phones and tablet devices.
Some things you can expect, or already know about, are sensors that alert you of nearby cars, directions on the windscreen and information about local petrol stations and prices.
But what might start out as a novel, interesting idea will only last until the middle lane is packed full of people arranging their Farmville layouts and trying to order takeaways to Junction 12 on the M5.
Zombie Apocalypse – Are You Ready?
The dream of many a horror fan became reality for the people of Great Falls, Montana this week when a TV station’s emergency alert system interrupted broadcasts with an urgent warning about the walking dead.
Most people hearing this would do one of two things – either write it off as a hoax, or rush to their “Zombie Apocalypse Preparation Cupboard” to grab the intricate survival plans which detail weapon choices, supply necessities and barricade locations.
Needless to say, I was disappointed when it turned out this was nothing more than a bored computer hacker and I was forced to roll up my A1 Sainsbury’s floor plan and go back to work.